Offerings to the Goddess of Irony
5895 words

For what it's worth I've never met a mean foot fetishist. And most of the mean people I've met wear socks all the time man. Why are you ashamed of your feet?

Is the light green or red Josh? Oh... well, uhm, I'm colour blind. Maybe open you eyes and look.

Rules for Reading

  1. Read as little as possible. If you can get through life having never read a book, this is ideal.
  2. If you must read something, read poetry, preferably my poetry.
  3. Never, under any circumstances, read the same thing twice. If you've ever read anything twice, you must read it a third time backwards to undo the damage.
  4. Words cannot be "uploaded", they are for speaking, so move your lips when you read (a little tongue action wouldn't go amiss).
  5. Don't waste your time with bookmarks. Just tear out the pages as you go and you will never lose your place.
  6. The best judge of a good book, in the end, is the cover because by the end, that's all that's left.

Listen to yourself

That does not mean listen to your ego. Your ego is not you. Your ego is the false distinction between you and the outside world, it is the illusion of otherness. To listen to yourself is to ignore your ego.

Dear God

I forgive you.

You're talking to a concept bro. I don't exist. You invented me. Knock knock. It's madness. Let me in!

You know the restlessness you feel? The insatiable curiosity? The suspicion that something's just not right? That's good. That's very very good. Listen to it. Keep looking. You will figure it out.

To write well is to speak well. To speak well is to dance. Nobody dances anymore. The words do not flow. We've got the jitters: stop. start. stop. start. stop. It's our technology.

Memory is a sad, sad place. You must accept it my love.

Irony is the way up my dude. You should probably get those anchors off your feet though.

Unclench your mind. Just for a moment! Just one moment and then you can go back to punching thoughts. You're very good at it by the way. I've never met a better thought puncher! But let's just try. Okay?

Now... doesn't that feel a little better? What were you so worried about? I know, there are some very aggressive ideas out there. It's good that you can defend yourself but sometimes it's important to be vulnerable.

They'll think I'm stupid! They'll think I'm gullible! Yeah... and... so... what? That's just how they defend themselves and that's okay, but you were meant for better things, otherwise you would not be here. Got it? Or are you gonna punch me too?

There is no more miserable creature than a woman corrupted by the literal minds of men.

Chicken or Egg?

What is a meaningful coincidence? I mean surely if it's a coincidence, it can't be meaningful and if it's meaningful, it can't be a coincidence. So is it meaning derived from coincidence or is it coincidence informed by hidden meaning?

Could it be both? Could it be that everything has already happened and is yet to happen? Well, when did it start then? Never. When will it end? Never. It starts at the end and ends at the start.

This is how we communicate.

The Philanthropist

If I was a multi-billionaire I would buy gold in large quantities, break it up into small chunks, mix it with rubble and cement and bury it again, causing the gold price to rise. Then I'd start a mining company to mine the gold I buried, stimulating the economy with much needed "jobs", and ultimately sell the gold back to myself, rebury it, re-mine it, etc.

Ever since I learned "Neitzche" liked to dance, I can't dance. I guess that's nihilism.