Offerings to the Goddess of Irony
2626 words

Joshian Calendar

I have decided to emancipate my mind from the insidious tyranny that is the Gregorian calendar. Today, therefore, is the 10th rotation of the 325th lunar cycle of Josh. On this day Josh rested.



  1. Arrogantly modest.
  2. Self-defeating.

All conspiracies are a conspiracy called the conspiracy conspiracy, then there are multiple conspiracy conspiracies and all of those conspiracies are also a conspiracy; this goes on for quite a while until you get to the master conspiracy, which also happens to be a conspiracy.

You are the one who ultimately decides whether irony works for or against you.

Art is a conspiracy.

Downside Town

So there's this place called
Downside Town,
Where all the trees grow
Upside down,
With their roots in the air
And shoots in the ground!

Though I'm afraid
There's not much shade
In which to take a stroll,
You shouldn't do that anyway
On account of the flying moles.
Vexing little critters, they are,
Like little bats but more bizarre,
Just as blind but twice as silly,
Bumping into everybilly.

Well, if you find yourself in
Downside Town,
Heed these cryptic words:
Don't be one to hang around
Or you'll end up living
With the birds.

Bill Hicks: Are you sure she's the one Vince?
Vincent van Gogh: WHAT?
Bill: I said are you sure?
Vince: WHAT?
Bill: Shit, we can't talk to Vince no more.


adjective; noun

  1. Intelligent in theory.
  2. A person who has learned everything they know from a book written by a person who has learned everything they know from a book and so forth; alternatively, a person who writes books about books.
  3. A learned bigot.
  4. (American) A more or less personable egg.

They made love an ideology and waged war against their lovers.

It's Bisexuality Day

At this point there's so many days that we're going to run out and have to start sharing. I mean, we could just combine all the days into one day. We can call it Human Day. What do you think? No, no, no! We have to celebrate all the separate identities of the human family. It's all very separate, you see. Here: take this flag! ...but I don't even like purple - SHUT UP! You're hurting the flag's feelings. By the way you're part of a coalition now of (mostly) lesbians, gays and transsexuals, so you need to start taking it seriously. Jeepers! But can't I just... NO! I really think this is all a little... IMPOSTOR! I know your kind! You're just a rogue heterosexual, aren't you?

How much space has a brain?

Mine was full at 13. I think I'm ill. The rest are abstractions, kinda prone to miss the point, but good coping mechanisms. Keep cramming until a donut is a hedgehog! Just don't blame me when your spoon starts whistling.

Welcome to hyperreality

The subconscious is a myth perpetrated by the ego. The only thing you will find there is what you placed there to find. It is not the subliminal that you should fear, it is the superliminal.

I mean even if the subconscious did exist... would it not be in its nature to remain, well, subconscious? And therefore wouldn't it follow that whatever your consciousness calls "subconscious" is a conscious construction?

Listen... you can't lie to yourself, can you? I'm sure you've heard of liars who actually BELIEVE their lies! No kidding! We call those people... liars. Occam's razor. Nobody, since forever, has ever believed their own lie, unless of course they weren't lying after all. To be totally honest, I don't even believe that lying is possible. I think everyone you've ever lied to has only indulged you in their own way, though I'm sure you think you're a very good hypnotist. "The truth always outs!" Strange rule, isn't it?

Studying is the act of bludgeoning oneself with a book, often to death. The only things worth remembering are those things you remember without trying. All else is conditioning.

Social movements are misnamed. They are static.

A good idea becomes great when it is severed from the heart. The bloodier the better.