Offerings to the Goddess of Irony
6884 words

Evil people are the most generous people on earth, you know? HAHAHAHAHA. Sorry. Sometimes I can't suppress my laughter. You don't need anything do you? Charity maybe? I'm here for you. Just don't forget.

My audience and I are in perfect agreement: I don't write the sort of shit they read and they don't read the sort of shit I write.

"My body my choice!" is what I said to my mother before stabbing her.

Suicide isn't sad or shameful. Having no will to die is no way to live. Courage. That's the first virtue, without which no others are possible. The courage to live is the courage to die. All else is suspended animation, serfdom if you like. What is truly sad is to wish you were dead without the determination to see it through. To live for fear of death is a miserable illusion. Only once you understand that you live for death itself, by death, through death, can you begin to appreciate life.

There's nothing inherently bad or wrong about rumination [untold power]. That's where lessons are learnt after all, including this one. The problem is that it's addictive.

Some people hoard experiences as greedily as gold.



  1. A person who believes that people are cunts and seeks to prove it by being the biggest cunt of all.
  2. A person who mistrusts everything but mistrust itself (or a person who trusts in mistrusting).

Babies are not well balanced
So don't rest them on banisters!
Just ask my mother
About my brother
(His name was Allister)

Crocodiles make great pets, unless
You're awful fond of your feet.
Lord knows, I've lost several toes
To that scaly beast.

Down is up if you're upside down,
I tried it once in a dressing gown.
The gown fell down around my head,
Luckily, my roommate was still in bed.

Sometimes houses talk to you
And sometimes not
But it's generally true
That when they do,
They put you on the spot.

Poets are so serious
& often quite imperious.
Feelings! Feelings! Meanings! Meanings!
Mean the feelings, feel the meanings -
I think they're just delirious.

The future and the past are figments of each other, bearing absolutely no connection to the present.

Energy you waste on stupid shit is a net loss for us all.

I've said this every which way now but I think it's important so I'll say it again. Stuff perpetuates stuff. If you do bad stuff you must continue doing bad stuff in order to justify doing bad stuff. 'Cause you're just a big ol' baddie! Ooooh, I'm shaking already.

Sylvia stubbed her toe and so she killed herself to spite her coffee table.

I get auditory hallucinations sometimes, ever since I can remember. It usually happens at night when everything is quiet and still. It's not like an external sound but the thought arises in my head as of it had come from my ears and I have no control over it. It has the character of sound. It feels like sound, like indistinct chatter, oftentimes screaming, anger. I've always been scared of it and usually hum or listen to music until it goes away. But one night I thought that the only way to really make it go away is to listen to it. So I just lay there listening to it for a while, eyes closed, focusing my mind's eye on the center of the darkness. Sometimes the noise would get louder and more intense, scary and then softer again... this went on for about 30 minutes and that's when the mirror thing started happening. I didn't know whether I had fallen asleep or was just hallucinating. Maybe a kind of lucid dream, an inbetween world. I was falling into a mirror, the focal point of which was an infinite black, with beams of light, lines, images, crude landscapes passing in the periphery. Always in the periphery. Nothing made sense and yet the forms and images all seemed quite real. I felt as if I was in a Salvador Dali painting, that I might be losing my mind. Then the noise changed... I began to hear what sounded like distant trumpets, very faint but very beautiful, melodic. I wasn't afraid anymore, no, I liked that place, I didn't want to leave that place. If I was mad, so be it, because madness was absolute divine beauty. I felt at peace for the first time, I felt relaxed.

I've taken psychedelic drugs - shrooms, LSD, salvia - but this was different. With psychedelics if you have any hope of remembering your experiences you must maintain an executive and the executive always knows you're tripping. This time I knew that I wasn't tripping, that I was stone cold sober. That meant it was different.

The next day I nearly had a breakdown. Faces began to disturb me. Everywhere I looked I saw myself... I saw other people pretending they weren't me but deep down, I knew they knew. They were playing a game with me. I was playing a game with myself. I wanted to run. I was going mad... but I took some deep breaths, smoked a cigarette and calmed down. Then I thought to myself, "I knew it. I knew I was right. I knew that irony was real."

Welcome to the Punishment and Reform Attachment of the Department of Internal Services (P.A.R.A.D.I.S.). You are currently in facility #311.

Your identification number is D34DM4N. Memorize it now.

You have been interred at this facility for the duration of (1) eternities for the crime of roboticide.

Your body has been destroyed.

This is not a normal prison. You're playing a game. Your goal is to die.

How to vote in the upcoming elections

Below you will find a comprehensive guide analyzing the various options available to you as a responsible democratic citizen, whether you're republican, democrat, man, woman or stick.

  1. Don't vote.

Exit the game. Let the fat lady sing. The largest political party is and has always been the PWDGF (People Who Don't Give a Fuck). You are the majority they fear the most.