Offerings to the Goddess of Irony
5895 words
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJMiVPLWE28

hyper-human

more human than human:
industrial pink
neon blister
powder pressed,
de-pressed,
soul buffering
human.

how do you feel about feeling?
is love just the thing you call
what they told you to call
the thing they didn't know
what to call?
and how do you know you know,
you know?

oh poor
pocket porn-clock human
living about living
your lie about lying

Devil's Stair

Read me from the Maker's tome
And embrace the dark of night,
As a tiresome and listless drone
Becomes an awful fright.

Creatures of the haunted gallows,
Take up your duty's call.
All ghastly ghouls and fiendish fellows,
Obey the endless drawl.

Weeping widows hold your hearts
And wanton man beware:
Your sinful plans will come apart
Out on the Devil's stair.

Conservative

adjective

  1. Opposed to change only when change is opposed to them.

Liberal

adjective

  1. Open to everything one believes already.

Our fantasies create our reality. To pretend is to be. Believing everything is believing nothing. The truth is a lie. Black is white. Life is death. Do you see how dichotomies tend to one another? The more we try to separate these concepts, the more we conflate them. It is only by seeing them as a whole that we can begin to distinguish their parts.

To abandon is to bind - forever.

Irony is the secret secret. It is to keep secret that you keep secret. Of course, irony is also the secret secret secret and the secret secret secret secret, if you're inclined to embed them further. In the end the secret doesn't matter, you see, only the fact that you're keeping it. Why? Well, because there's actually no such thing as a secret, because I know you know I know you know I know you know I know.

A song for Jim

I once knew a friendly robot boy named Jim
And Jim the friendly robot boy
Had a problem with his processor
His owner thought he was a toy
And dropped him head first on the floor

-CHORUS-

Now Jim can't do basic arithmetic
And all the other robots think he's thick
And Jim might have a gold plated heart
But no one cares...
Because he takes too long to start

The Nettle

A pretty little petal,
Laden with a heart of sand,
Betrays the stinging nettle
And sets out across the land.

It withers in the sunshine,
But travels by the tide of night,
And when the crooked skies align
It glows its own peculiar light.

Picked up by a traveler,
On a roll and restless tumble,
When with its lustrous splendor,
It caused his horse to stumble.

Then on one still and eerie eve,
Its tiny heart began to stir.
It left that startled horse bereaved
And devoured the traveler.

A mighty big flower,
Unburdened by its own hand,
Causes wandering men to cower
And dominates this land.

But closely look behind its glow
And see a sight to grieve.
As its spines begin to grow –
A pretty little petal leaves.

How to fool dogs

A lot of people say that dogs can somehow tell if you're a bad person. This obviously poses a problem for you. Luckily, a dog is a very stupid creature that is easily fooled. Here are two techniques you might try:

  1. Soaking your clothing in chicken juice.
  2. Realizing that everything in the universe is actually just an expression of you and you of it and that the dog, in fact, knows this.

These are more or less equally effective.

No sooner to know
Than to forget.
No sooner to act
Than to regret.

Prison

noun

  1. A psychiatric hospital where heterosexuality is treated.

Harold

Harold ate his breakfast in mental quiet. "If I think too loudly," he thought, rather too loudly, eyeing his cornflakes with suspicion, "They'll know I'm a phony."

"For the love of God, Harold, would you stop taking so long?" Harold's wife never understood his plight. He shook his head solemnly, "I never asked God to love me."

"Oh, here we go," she rolled her eyes, "They're cornflakes Harold, flippin' cornflakes! Why don't you just have an apple and be done with it?"

"Don't even talk to me about apples! Those things have gotten undue attention ever since one didn't fall on some dude's head," Harold looked quizzical, "I'll tell you what keeps doctors away: anti-vaxxers, but I wouldn't advise eating them."

Harold's wife left the room mid-sentence, leaving him to the scrutiny of his cornflakes.

My Personality Test Results

Extroversion:

64% Introverted

35% Extroverted

1% Perverted

Conscientiousness:

I skipped this section.

Openness:

26% Open

31% Closed

43% Ajar

Neuroticism:

WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!

Agreeableness:

100% Undecided

My mom always used to say, "Your problem is that you know everything!" Well now that sure doesn't sound like a problem to me.