Offerings to the Goddess of Irony
9447 words

The moon fell off!

The moon fell off! The moon fell off!
(o! welly, welly woos –)
Yesterday! The moon fell off!
(me nearly et mah shoos!)
The bloody frikken moon fell off!
(what will we gonna doos?)
The moony mooning moon fell off!
(I sees it inda noos...)


my lay on concepts, back from back
blue it pink it purple it black
soul? how soul? sold it (by bunches)
superstitious ambitious delicious, hunches
one plus one plus one (big one)
done what I done(?) what done I done(!)
time no for bibble, at time (k)no(w) all
no bibble no bibble no bibble, bitch-all!
MY SIT OFF CONCEPTS, fuckity fack
them it you it I it back

Truth is truth is truth is truth. Glad that's settled. Wanna stop being a cunt now?

The most beautiful piece of art ever produced hangs in the house of almost every human being on earth; more than the cross, more than the Virgin Mary, more than anything by Van Gogh, more than the words "Live Love Laugh", more than the likeness of Kim Jong-il. It's a mirror. That's because everything is a mirror, just not as literally as a mirror is a mirror. Haha.

I dare you to look in the mirror for 15 minutes straight. Not to do your makeup or groom your beard or pop your pimples or scrutinize your face or to check whether those sunglasses compliment your jawline, not for any good reason at all. Just to look.

You're not afraid of ghosts are you?

Scornful laughter is not true laughter, it's a sort of maniacal seizure behind which lies extreme pain. You should watch more cartoons.

A few postmodern myths (ironically reversed)

1) Morality is relative.

Relative to what? The dimensions of a goose egg?

2) Childbirth is wrong.

And if you weren't born, I guess we'd never have known.

3) There's no such thing as truth.

Hah! I guess that's false too then.

Somewhere there is a statue of a man with his arms outstretched, his eyes fixed upward, a subtle smile on his face, and there is a plaque which reads:

"It was this man's prerogative to climb mountains, ascending always higher, to where the air was cold and thin, peaks barren and lifeless and lonely, incredibly lonely. He climbed Wutai, Sinai, Everest, the Moon; shivering, he touched the stars and reflected their light onto the valleys below."

Irony does not punish, it does not reward, it does not take sides... what it does, simply, is reveal. It's the essence of laughter. I think that's all God – or whatever you wanna call it – does. She laughs. You get to decide at or with. You may choose to take yourself (ego) too seriously, in which case God's laughter will probably make you angry (thus compounding the joke) or you may choose to laugh along.

To laugh is the same as to dance is the same as to love.

Pick the road that gets you out. It doesn't matter if it takes 50, 70, 190, 600, 53 million years.

Don't give up on the idea of a soul. Yes, it's just an abstraction. Of what? Of what? Of what? I don't know. But why? WHY? WHY?! Because I can't know. WHY! Because how would I know I know? The question is rhetorical. The answer, if you really need one, is not to ask. We've already spoken about your literal-mindedness, haven't we? Irony follows us all, my friend. It is only your job to notice.

Some Cliches

  • If at fist you don't succeed, try a foot.
  • The arse is always leaner on the other bride.
  • Home is where the herpes isn't.

Psychopath's Soliloquy

Do they feel pain?
Not like I do.

There are approximately 300 accepted approaches/theories/techniques to psychotherapy which, based on current population estimates, is around 7.8 billion too few.

Realistically speaking, you cannot save anybody from the literal world, you will only hurt them. You must have the strength to let them go, let them go, let them go.

You are an experiment in passion. Don't go breaking the beaker now.